Stargazing
by Alley Cat Sunflower
Summary: Sheena isn't all that great with goodbyes, and there's one in particular she's not looking forward to giving. Lloyd may be oblivious to her feelings, but Zelos seems to know them a little too well… because he feels exactly the same way about Sheena. Set immediately after the conclusion of Dawn of the New World. I do not own Tales of Symphonia.


_Written from the heart, and dedicated to the last remnants of my unrequited feelings for the sensei's son._

* * *

Sheena is still alive to greet the dawn the next day, but not in the way she had wanted.

It's not the first time she's stayed up all night, but it's the first time she's actually been unable to sleep. Selfishly enough, it's not even because Emil has taken the place of Ratatosk; she thinks it's because she now must part with all the others as well. She hadn't realized until tonight how much she'd missed them all, and now their journey was over almost as soon as they were all together again.

One by one, exhaustion claimed her companions until only Sheena still lay awake, counting the stars like some sort of angel. Eventually, she closed her eyes, feeling like she was falling… but not asleep. She simply lay still, praying for slumber, calling silently out to empty skies.

But no, they weren't empty; the constellations were still there, weren't they? As she opened her eyes again, Sheena searched the galaxies glimmering above, though she knew not what she sought until she realized that these lights in the darkness told the past, the present, and the future, and had done so for all time.

Sheena smiled into the darkness: even without gods, the stars still looked after them, writing history in the sky. The expanse of time itself seemed to encompass her briefly at the idea, and the universe made sudden sense—but only for an instant can any mortal grasp eternity, and whatever realization she had made fluttered out of reach with her heartbeat.

It's like sleep without rest, thinks Sheena irritably, rolling over with a heavy sigh what may have been hours later; her memory is too hazy to recall any of her reflections in much detail. Opening her eyes once more, she notices that the constellations are beginning to fade away like dreams, and wonders how far off the dawn is. How long has she lain there, unable either to slumber or waken?

Sitting up wearily, she casts her gaze around at the rest of the party. Marta's expression is one of exhaustion even in her sleep, her face streaked with dried tears for the love of Emil. Presea lies flat on her back; Genis is curled a few respectful feet away from her. Raine is using what appears to be a diary as a pillow, still clutching an inkpen in her slackened hand. Even Regal still snores faintly, though he should ordinarily be awake and exercising by now.

Sheena's eyes linger on Lloyd, sprawled on the ground with Colette lying close beside him; her hand rests atop his, their fingers loosely interlaced. The sight is painful in a way she refuses to let herself understand, and she wrenches her gaze away from him, instead seeking out Zelos. For a moment, she cannot find him, and her pulse quickens in what might be fear as she wonders where he could be—but then she thinks to look behind her.

Zelos sits several feet away, gazing up at the sky with one arm resting on one bent knee, the other thrown back to support him. Letting out a breath she had not realized she was holding, Sheena turns to face him, but he does not move: he simply sits there, watching the heavens in quiet contemplation.

Taken aback by his still silence, Sheena can't help but stare… but rather than tease her as usual, he merely searches the stars slowly and methodically, saying nothing. Something in the seriousness of his countenance makes Sheena's heartbeat quicken and her stomach churn uncomfortably; she swallows, but cannot speak.

Closing her eyes, she vividly recalls the same expression on the face of the Zelos who betrayed them to Cruxis two years ago. They've barely spoken since, and Sheena can't even explain why. Perhaps his fabricated treachery cut her more deeply than she's willing to admit, she realizes, and leans back on her hands. Perhaps, somewhere inside herself, she's afraid that even his friendship is false—that he will turn on her again someday. (Turn on _them_ , she amends to herself vehemently.)

Perhaps she thinks she can avoid being hurt if she only distances herself enough.

Sheena laughs softly as she realizes that she's running from Lloyd too, though she thinks she has less to fear from him—but halts abruptly mid-giggle as she opens her eyes again to find that Zelos has turned his head to peer intently over at her. But even when she meets his gaze, he seems to be looking _through_ her: Sheena shivers in spite of the lingering summer.

Eventually, he gives a sibilant sigh, shattering the silence. "You should talk to him," he murmurs, so quietly that Sheena has to lean forward slightly to catch the words; even then, she isn't sure she understands until she sees his eyes slide swiftly to a spot behind her and back, and she knows he was looking at Lloyd.

"I—what?" stutters Sheena, feeling herself redden in the dwindling starlight. She hates how obvious her feelings are; on her bad days, she could give Genis a run for his money. If Lloyd doesn't know already, she's certainly not about to tell him: she can see, all too clearly, that Colette is the only girl worthy of him.

"Tell him how you feel," says Zelos softly, an unfamiliar emotion weighing his voice down, and Sheena frowns as she recognizes… sadness. A million questions burn in her head like an internal constellation, but she sets them aside as he adds, "Before he runs off again."

"D-don't be ridiculous," shoots back Sheena, leaning forward to embrace her knees, though she knows she's too flustered for her words to carry much weight. The thought that she is so utterly unable to hide any her emotions, least of all love, only agitates her more. "I," she tries, but the falsehood makes her falter. "I have nothing to say to him."

"You're a _terrible_ liar," he observes, almost before she finishes the sentence, and his words are accompanied by a half-smile.

"Look, what's your problem?" demands Sheena, stung, and only after saying it does she remember that the others are still asleep: she claps a hand firmly over her mouth. Zelos tensely glances around the camp to discern whether anyone was awakened by her exclamation, but no further commotion disturbs the night; he quickly relaxes, rises, and offers his hand.

There's something picturesque about the way he stands there with a crescent moon shining behind him, his long hair stirred by a faint breeze, as he extends a hand to help her up—but Sheena refuses to take it, instead getting clumsily to her feet on her own. She tells herself she resents the way Zelos steadies her with a few fingers on her back when she inevitably stumbles, but she manages a sullen sort of thank-you nonetheless.

"This should be far away for a decent conversation," says Zelos eventually, coming to a halt near a large boulder Sheena is sure would look distinctive in some way if it was light enough to see. "But we're still too close to the others for you to yell at me," he continues, sitting down and leaning against the rock, and Sheena reluctantly sits down cross-legged a few feet in front of him.

It takes her a moment to get her thoughts straight, even in her head, and even longer to think of what she can say aloud—but Zelos seems content to wait, leaning his head back against the boulder with closed eyes. He seems so peaceful that Sheena almost doesn't want to break the silence, until she remembers his smirk.

"Why do you want me to talk to Lloyd about this so badly?" she asks eventually, trying to glower at him, but at the mildness of his gaze as he opens his eyes, she instead directs her stare down at her lap. "So you can laugh at me when he turns me down?" she growls, and she can feel her eyes start to burn.

"No, Sheena," murmurs Zelos with surprising immediacy, startling her as he taps her chin up with two gloved fingers; his velvet touch lingers on her skin for a moment before he withdraws his hand. "Because you don't deserve this."

"Don't deserve _what_?" asks Sheena impatiently, but is cut off by a yawn.

"I guess you could call it a kind of purgatory," muses Zelos, returning his gaze to the stars. "No matter how sure you think you are that he doesn't feel the same way, a part of you can't help but hope," he continues, and Sheena's eyes widen. "But since you don't want to get hurt, you end up arguing with yourself, and you can't even decide whether it would be better to avoid him or not."

Zelos looks over at her again as he speaks, more keenly even than before. "And on top of all that, you're friends with Colette," he adds, letting out his breath in a long exhalation, "so you also feel guilty for hoping that Lloyd likes you more, because you don't want your happiness to be at her expense." He offers her another of his trademark half-smiles and crosses his arms. "Am I wrong?"

Sheena glares at the gradually lightening horizon; her head is beginning to hurt as much as her heart. How could Zelos so effortlessly untangle all the knots she herself could barely start picking apart? How could he understand the feelings hidden in her heartbeat so much better than the one whose life depended upon it?!

"You can ignore _me_ if you like," sighs Zelos as the silence extends between them once more, and Sheena is drawn out of her confused thoughts to find that her companion has returned his eyes to the paling sky. "It wouldn't be the first time. But ignoring your feelings… isn't going to make them go away."

At his words, irrational fury surges through Sheena so suddenly that she finds herself breathless. "What the hell do you know about my feelings?" she hisses, clenching her fists; she sounds far more like Ratatosk than her usual self. "You're the _Chosen_. You could have asked out literally anyone, and they'd have thrown themselves at your feet." She bows her head briefly, scowling. "Don't even talk to me about liking someone who doesn't like you back," she mutters resentfully.

Even as the words leave her mouth, Sheena immediately regrets them; she, more than anyone, should know better than to speak so dismissively of Zelos's admittedly considerable hardships. Shock and hurt and anger flash like lightning in his eyes, but they shut abruptly before she can see any more than that; he turns his face slightly away from her, gritting his teeth as if in physical pain. Sheena guiltily opens her mouth to apologize—but then Zelos speaks.

"You think he's the most beautiful person you've ever met," he says, his voice as low and quiet as if he's in some sort of a trance, and Sheena blinks. _Beautiful? Lloyd?_ There are a few better words she could think of to describe him, but she supposes that Zelos must have his reasons for choosing that one. He's the more alert of the two of them, anyway.

"I'm… sorry?" she asks tentatively, realizing that he cannot see her reaction; his eyes are still closed. But her response doesn't seem to matter; he continues even as she speaks.

"When you look at Lloyd, it's all you can think about," says Zelos, with all the certainty of stating an established fact. "How strong and gentle he is, and how kind his heart. You can't help but see how perfect he is, inside and out, and you want more than anything for him to understand what you can never say, because there are no words.

"But you won't even _try_ ," he adds forcefully, almost disapprovingly, "just because you know in your heart that there's no room for you in his. You've seen the way he and Colette look at each other; it's the same way… the same way you look at Lloyd." The last phrase is spoken more slowly and deliberately, as if he's holding himself back from something; his voice sounds almost raw, as if in grief, and her throat seems to ache with empathy.

Sheena frowns, but is not given the opportunity to interject. "You start wondering whether he likes her more because you're not good enough," Zelos says, with surprising bitterness. "Whether anyone will ever love you—I mean really appreciate you, for more than the usual shallow reasons." A sudden tear streaks down Sheena's cheek, startling her; she had not realized that she was so close to crying.

But Zelos has not yet opened his eyes. "Yet… you can't help but notice all these little gestures that makes you think you might still have a chance," he continues, swallowing. "A certain look in his eyes, a smile at the right moment. And for that moment, it's just the two of you; nothing else matters." He gives an almost wistful sigh. "But it's only a dream, and when you wake up and remember… it feels like another twist of the knife he buried in your heart, and he doesn't even know it's there."

Sheena struggles not to sniffle, opting instead to hold her breath; the truths he speaks are so profound and poignant that she feels it would be a sin to interrupt him, even to react to them. Besides, she's convinced she's missing something crucial; his words are chosen so carefully, and he speaks so confidently, as if he knows it all from experience…

"It hurts like hell to leave that dagger be," murmurs Zelos, "but you're afraid that pulling it out will hurt more. You're afraid that your feelings will ruin your friendship, so you just ignore them in the hopes you'll wake up one morning and they'll be gone." He finally opens his eyes again. "But are you even really friends with him while you're like this?" he asks the sky, frowning fiercely. "Is it honestly easier for you to let him go on thinking that you're fine, when you're ready to collapse from fighting yourself over him?"

Sheena can no longer restrain a sob, and Zelos looks at her in sharp surprise. Too tired even to know why exactly she's crying, she turns her back on him to avoid his piercing gaze… but she can still feel blue fire, the hottest kind, scorch her back. "Leave me alone," she wails, as quietly as possible, but even as she says it, she knows that solitude is not what she needs right now. "No, don't," she orders immediately afterwards, sniffling. " _Don't_ leave me."

Though Zelos does not respond to either of her conflicting requests, she hears him come up softly behind her, and she tenses. After a pause, he leans his back gently, gradually, against hers… and for the first time, Sheena takes comfort in his touch. It is as if his words have scattered themselves backwards in time, breaking two years' silence enough for her to feel as though they were never too far apart after all.

They sit in serene quietude for a long time, watching as dawn slowly lightens the cloudless sky. Sheena is too exhausted even to think, but her mind tries valiantly anyway, insisting that there is something she must know. Something Zelos made clear without ever explaining outright—something that was most definitely not about her feelings for Lloyd…

"…I'm still not going to talk to him," says Sheena, letting out a long and shuddering breath, and she can feel Zelos turn his head slightly. There is a long enough pause before he speaks that she almost starts frantically trying to find the words to justify her decision, but then he chuckles faintly, and she gives herself a relieved smile she doesn't quite understand.

"I thought as much," he sighs, shaking his head. "You're a stubborn one."

Sheena frowns confusedly. "Then… why go to the trouble of telling me all that?" she asks, attempting rather unsuccessfully to stifle a huge, jaw-cracking yawn. "I mean, if you knew I wasn't going to listen anyway?"

"Let's just say it was my attempt to pull out the knife," says Zelos delicately, and Sheena struggles to remember the context of the metaphor. "I was trying to get you to do it for me, but I guess you're too tired. You'd probably cut yourself anyway."

She shakes her head in an attempt to clear it of all these unintelligible figures of speech, and could swear she feels her brain sliding back and forth as she does so. "Whatever you just said," she yawns again, rubbing her eyes, "you're gonna have to say it again when I'm awake enough to understand it. I think I'm about to crash."

"Just my luck," laughs Zelos ruefully. "But I've been thinking about it for long enough that I've probably memorized it by now. You can ask me to repeat it anytime." He pauses, and she can feel him cross his arms; it's easy to imagine him staring at his feet. "Okay, so no guarantees I'll actually do it if I'm sober," he amends, "but anyway, let's get you to bed."

Sheena has no time nor energy to ask what he means before he gets up and offers his hand again. This time, she accepts it: he pulls her to her feet, supporting her gently as she staggers forward. But as they walk, the sun finally peeks over the horizon, and golden light extends over the land—like Zelos's wings, thinks Sheena sleepily, stumbling to a halt and squinting as the world brightens around her.

Rather than insist she hurry back to camp, Zelos simply stops with her and watches the sun begin its climb, resting a gloved hand on her shoulder to steady her. That's a star too, Sheena remembers dimly, so they're still stargazing after all. It's harder than it should be for her to grasp that all the other stars still shine during the day; some of the others are probably even as bright as the sun, but they're so far away that she just can't tell…

Realizing with a jolt that she has probably been spacing out for several minutes, she glances up self-consciously at Zelos to find that he is gazing down at her with a faint smile on his face and affection in his sky-blue eyes… bright and warm as the rising sunlight. Her eyes widen with a sudden realization, and he jerks his head up with a mumbled apology; the motion almost dislodges the thought from her mind, but she refuses to let it go—it was so important, more so even than Lloyd, more than _anything_ —

"Like a star I couldn't see," she says, half to herself, solidifying the thought by speaking it aloud, and smiles; Lloyd is not the only star in her sky after all. And as the day breaks instead of her heart, she feels as though she's beginning to understand the universe again.


End file.
